How I Set Strict Boundaries & Broke The Cycle of Manipulation

Why I stayed put for so long, why I allowed it to continue, how I broke the cycle, and how to set up boundaries for yourself so you don't get taken advantage of.

Once upon a time... I was in high school. In a school with roughly 1200 kids, and found myself at a loss of trying to find those I could surround myself with that would make me happy.

The excuses I would make for some of these people were insane (immediate red flags looking back), but understandable as I was young and had no where else to be looking. I find that these problems come up very very often, and find that with every situation, they are so so similar.

The Truth

The excuses I made for this situation: "Yeah the bad sucks, but the good is SO good" or "they're struggling internally and honestly I could've been a better friend" or "maybe I deserve to be told these things..."

The truth: I didn't deserve to be told those things, the good wasn't even that great when I was walking around emotions and scared of the next bad thing, and I was NOT at fault for the things I was being blamed for.

So how do you tell a master manipulator that they are one? You don't. People who are like this will never understand that it is wrong and will never take accountability. That lesson was one of the hardest I had to try and learn. I did not owe anything to them as they did not owe anything to me.

So what did I do?

Personally, I am not great at confrontation or communicating what is happening in my life, making the entire situation much harder considering I wasn't great at expressing myself. BUT, I am fully allowed to understand that those may be weaknesses for me and others need to be respectful of them. I slowly distanced myself and allowed myself to spend time with others who lifted me up. Eventually, it was clear enough that this was no longer a relationship I wanted to pursue. I realized that I did not need to continue putting energy and time into a relationship that was extremely toxic.

Signs I should've seen:

• Victimization and blame

• My mental health declining when things weren't perfect

• Having to tip-toe around every situation so I don't get in trouble

• Having to keep friendships a secret from them so I wouldn't get in trouble for spending time with other people

• Petty comments

• Changing my diet/behavior for them

• Having to completely take out parts of my routine that I loved because I would be blamed for doing them alone

• Everything is about invitation

• Blaming everything on me / my time / my effort

• If communication was scarce, immediately asking what they did wrong or if something was wrong

• Always being told that I was the busy one, and that I didn't adjust my priorities correctly

• My other friends literally saying to me "That is NOT okay, and you do not deserve to be around that" and "You are not to blame, this is not a friendship"

No one should be put through a "relationship" with another human being like that. A friendship should be easy and shouldn't feel like a burden or a strain. It is important to have healthy, stable connections in order to pursue healthy connections with oneself, & vice versa.

What are boundaries & how do I create them?

Boundaries are personal limits we set for ourselves that make us feel comfortable, mutually respected, and allow us to have healthy relationships. These are used to protect us from being used, manipulated, gaslighted, abused, and violated by others. These are important to understand so we can differentiate the needs of ourselves versus the thoughts and feelings of others.

Learning how to set up boundaries are extremely important in order to aid healthy connections in your life, and ultimately allows for the healthiest relationship. In order to create these, it is important to do some self-reflection first in order to understand what it is you need to ask for. These boundaries are used to make decisions based on what is best for you, no one else. Similar to this idea, it is prioritizing yourself and your needs above those around you.

Start by defining what you need and why. By defining what makes you comfortable, and setting yourself up with an idea of what will create the best version of yourself you can then move forward to learning how to communicate that with those around you. You are allowed to ask for your boundaries to be respected, as others are allowed to do with you as well. If these boundaries are not respected, thats when you need to decide how to handle the situation. Each boundary and how it is violated is extremely personal to oneself, but decided in the beginning how to deal with it will keep it from getting misused and mistreated. Often times when a boundary is broken, close to nothing gets done if it is not established that it is not okay. Forgiveness is extremely important, but making sure you are not being used all over again will prevent a continuous cycle of manipulation.

Examples of some boundaries:

• the right to privacy

• the right to time (i am allowed to take as much time as i need to respond to others)

• i am allowed to say no

• it is not my job to be

• i have a right to end relationships that are unhealthy and toxic

• i do not need to explain myself to anyone

• i am allowed to feel my emotions

• my emotional wellbeing is a priority

• i am allowed to ask for what i need

• i will limit my time on my phone

• i am allowed to want to plan ahead

• i am allowed to express myself to you without being attacked

• i am equal to you and will not be treated less

• i am not responsible for anyone else's happiness

Journal Prompts for Boundary Setting

1. Where are you most exhausted and in need of setting limits with others?

2. What makes you uncomfortable?

3. What is one simple sentence you can say to state your boundaries?

4. How can I care for myself by setting boundaries?

5. How can I honor myself if someone crosses a boundary I have put in place?