My Spiritual Journey

How I found myself and my spiritual practice after years of suffering from depression & anxiety.

When I was around thirteen years old, I was in middle school, suffering depression and anxiety, and struggled to feel like I belonged anywhere. I felt completely isolated and felt that I had no purpose, that this life was unfulfilling, and that there was not much to live for. As I grew through many stages of life, I felt as though not much was changing. I felt that my depression and anxiety were only getting worse as middle school was coming to a close and high school was starting. Growing up feeling unsettled eventually led me to yearn for a community to call my own.

"It was more important to me to find home internally than to find it externally." McKenzy Moore

I went to a Christian church after many years of being raised with different beliefs. Religion was never forced onto me, nor was it brought up much in our household. I was deeply depressed and felt very lost in the beginning years of my teens, and after listening several times about how religion was a “savior”, I dove right into it. I had never understood the Bible, nor understood prayer. The only reason this seemed viable to me was because this was what surrounded me.

Walking into my church it felt empowering, emotionally moving, and also had a sense of familiarity. I had grown up in spaces that taught similar things, but now I was ten years older and trying to make sense of what was being taught. I enjoyed the sense of community, as well as the words that spoke not only the stories of the Bible, but related them to real life. I enjoyed listening to the music and wearing the cross jewelry just like everyone else did at my school. I finally didn’t feel alone, although not one thing aligned with what I believed.

After months of a depressive state that wouldn’t go away, I knew that the Christian God I was praying to at church would not be what changed my mindset. As I was sitting in a hotel room bed in Hawai’i for a family vacation, I stumbled upon a video that related to spirituality. For the rest of the trip, I researched topics like yoga, mindfulness, and meditation. I remembered my Montessori preschool I attended that focused on nurturing our souls and our land. We would touch Earth every day, nurture our bodies with healthy, organic food, ground and meditate, and work on connecting with others at young ages. My grandmother started continuing my conversations and wanted to talk about my interests. She started discussing a book with me, “The Power of Positive Thinking,” written by Norman Vincent Peale, and started sharing her wisdom of the power of gratitude. Day by day, I took the steps to heal my soul. I started reading self-help books, I started eating healthier, exercising more, practicing yoga and meditation. I started working on my relationships with other people in my life and tried to distance myself from those that outwardly dealt with their religion toxically. It wasn’t an overnight process, and was aided by major growth and changes in my lifestyle and routine.

Changing my depressed mindset was hard, but gratitude fully changed my perspective. Spirituality aligned with me instead of the tight-knit rules of organized religion. I didn’t want a book to tell me what I could and couldn’t do. I didn’t want to do the conventional way of doing things. I didn't understand prayer, but understood meditation. I credit those conversations with my grandmother and the other resources I found that made me fully change my beliefs. I was trying to fit in with the crowd of what influenced me, I tried to believe in what the church would tell me, and tried to adjust my beliefs to align with those of my small town, instead of looking inward to what really felt right. After finally branching out and getting away from the influence of my small town, I realized the opposite direction I took. I realized that getting away from the stationary world of my small bubble town was exactly what I needed in order to break the cycle and help others continue to do so in the future. Although alone in my beliefs, my isolation was broken when I realized it wasn’t important to be surrounded by a community that didn’t relish in the same ideals. It was more important to me to find home internally than to find it externally.

After finally coming to that realization, I started openly practicing my spirituality and people seemed to be interested in what it was all about. People enjoyed seeing a peaceful approach to life and started to understand that spirituality was not another form of religion, but instead something so different. You could practice your religion while still including spiritual influence.

To me, spirituality is the belief and focus on oneself, and their mind, body, & soul connection. It has to do with alignment within the body and mind, the peaceful approach to all aspects of life, and the idea that putting yourself ahead is not selfish, but important in order for you to be fulfilled and successful with outer relationships. I found that the reason I was attracting such negative experiences and people was because I was so disconnected from myself and didn't show myself any compassion. I wasn't nurturing myself enough to be able to have connections with people that were healthy and nourishing.

Once I changed these aspects of my life, I found more peace and fulfillment in my everyday life. I started to suffer less and feel more. I started to differentiate myself away from my mental illness and saw it as an aspect of me that I get to nurture, not something consuming all of me.

My entire life is now based around wanting to share these aspects that I have added to my life to others. I want others to feel the fulfillment I have felt from experiencing such a deep inner connection to myself and I want others to understand what it is like to fully nurture your soul, & learn how to prioritize yourself.

PS:

Aloha friends! I am so excited to be able to share my passions in such a detailed way that will feel more personal! I am planning on SO much more for this and cannot wait to get to talk about all the things that have helped shaped me into who I am and who I am becoming, as well as the things that have saved me. If this all aligns with you, I'd love your support here & over on my Instagram (@soulfullyholistic)! I hope you enjoy! Much love always. XOXO

M